A leap in the dark
by Elesey
Summary: A fill for kinkmeme prompt about Garrus having a hard time dealing with Shepard returning to active duty after the war and being afraid of losing her again.


As always thanks to Skeasel for being my beta.

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Shepard woke up feeling no pain. While that was normal for most people, for her it meant something was wrong for almost a year now - since the Crucible. She had survived, though no one knew how and often she wished she had died. The war had dwindled the galaxy's resources, medical institutions were few, barely functional and full, which meant that no matter who you were your recovery would be long and painful if possible at all. She knew she was lucky, but it could be hard to acknowledge when she felt like screaming, especially on the days when the pain medicine in her hospital ran out.

Shepard checked to see if she could still move her fingers and toes. It was something she had started doing when she first woke up. Back then she had wounds all over the body and considering the conditions of the hospital and that she was found in a pile of debris, it was very likely she would wake up missing a limb thanks to an infection. Everything was always in place, this time included, but the habit remained. The next thing was remembering what she had been doing before passing out - a mission. She wanted to curse. It was her first assignment since the war and she had obviously fucked up.

She didn't ask for permission or opinions from the doctors before returning to active duty. She felt fine, the ache in her arms and legs didn't bother her much and she could fight and shoot a gun. Hackett had offered her more time, but he couldn't really refuse her, not after everything she had done. He returned her to the Normandy and sent her to fight a group of pirates that attacked the food shipments between Earth and the colonies. Garrus on the other hand… They almost had their first real fight when she told him, but he backed out before it got ugly. He knew she wouldn't change her mind and only requested that she'd take him with her to which she agreed with relief. He left her cabin afterwards and showed up only the next day, right before the departure.

It started out well, just like the old times. Garrus was the only one from her old team on the ship, but the new guys were good. They quickly advanced through the base, killing anyone who tried to get in their way until they reached the main room and the leader within. He had it filled with his personal guards and the fight was hard, but just when she thought they were starting to win, her leg cramped. She was half way to cover and fell. She couldn't remember if she had actually heard Garrus call her name or if she had simply imagined it. The next moment she felt the overly familiar pain of bullet piercing her skin and muscles, followed by unconsciousness.

Shepard's eyes flew open at the memories. She might be pumped full of pain medicine and back in the safety of her ship, but it didn't mean Garrus had gotten out. Her whole body tensed as she attempted to get up, but felt a familiar hand on her shoulder that gently held her down. She turned her head and smiled.

"Thank god, you're alright," she said, pressing her cheek against Garrus' hand. Her relief was soon replaced by dread as she took in his expression. She knew him well enough to decipher some of it – anger, hurt, fatigue…

"I think that should be my line," he said, not letting any emotions show in his voice.

"Is everyone alive?" she tried to distract him from her condition.

"Yes, we managed to finish the mission and return without a scratch. Everyone except you," he said accusingly. She had hoped he'd save this talk until she was out of the med bay, but then again, Garrus was never good at holding back when angry. "I told you it was too soon."

"If it was up to you, you'd never let me return to field," she retorted, trying to cross her hands over her chest, but the wound was there and she had to put them back down after wincing. He didn't deny her words.

"Why are you in such a hurry? The reapers are gone, the galaxy is safe," he did his best to remain calm and reasonable. "You no longer have to be the one doing all the hard work."

"Then who will take my place? There's no one with my experience and skills. The galaxy is more vulnerable now than ever and they need me, Garrus," she said. "The pirates, mercenaries, criminals, they were a problem before the war, but now there is barely anyone left protecting what remains of the home worlds and colonies. Who will fight against them if I sit back and do nothing? So many died fighting the reapers, the Alliance and the Council need anyone who can hold a gun."

"I don't need one of your speeches, I know what it's like out there, but you're not as strong as you used to be," he explained her patiently. "I saw how you fell, if you return to the Alliance like this, you'll get yourself killed and take the rest of your team with you."

"Are you calling me weak?" the anger started to build inside her. After all she'd done, after being made the first human spectre and saving the galaxy, no one had the right to say she couldn't do something. Not even Garrus.

"Your pride is making you blind," he answered. "You won't be able to do this forever. One day you'll either die because you'll make a mistake or you'll have to trust that there are other people in the galaxy that can protect it. There comes a time for every soldier to lie down his rifle and you're no exception."

"It's not your call when I do it," she retorted.

"Damn it, Shepard," he rose from his seat. "At least recover completely before you run into firefights, make sure you really are ready. Please. I just… For me, you've died twice already. I won't go through the third time."

Her heart almost stopped at his words. He wasn't breaking up with her because of this, was he?

"You don't know what it's like to watch you go in to those high risk operations or when you disappear for days because of them and I'm left behind… or when I receive the news you're dead," he continued. His voice was no longer filled with anger and annoyance, but with all the pain and grief she had put him through. "I knew what it would be like when we started our relationship, but there's only so much a person can take. There's no Vakarian without Shepard either. If something happens to you again…"

She watched him, unsure what to say. She didn't want to think how she would feel in his place, didn't want to know how much she had hurt him already. She felt so guilty for dragging another person in on this roller-coaster that is her life, but she needed him, more than she wanted to admit, more than he probably knew. But being a soldier was all she knew and she couldn't imagine her life without it.

"I won't ask you to choose between me and your work," he said as if he had read her mind, "and I won't leave you unless you want me to, but if you still feel the same way about me as you did a year ago, do things my way, just this once."

She wished it was that simple. It wasn't just the future of the galaxy that worried her; it was the future of the two of them as well. The military was what brought them together; it was also what they had in common. What would happen if it didn't exist in their lives? Would they still have anything to talk about? It felt like they'd been together for ages, but in reality she'd known him for only a couple of years. There hadn't been a day they had spent living like normal people. Before the Crucible there was always the war and the reapers on their minds, and every moment together was accompanied by a thought that it could be their last. Afterwards, it had taken him months to return to Earth and find her, and then he'd practically lived in the hospital taking care of her.

She was afraid that their relationship wouldn't survive the lack of danger. Would they start arguing about the little things because they'd have too much free time? Things that annoyed her, but she never mentioned because she didn't want to waste the little time they had. If she left the weapon mods on the table, he'd put them where he thought it should be not where she usually kept them, or how he'd completely ignore her if he was immersed in something. He sometimes forgot how hard his plates were and how sharp his angular body was and left bruises. And she was sure he had even more complaints about her.

A spacer and an earthborn human could barely live together. What would happen if a turian and a human tried to live peacefully as a couple? For the first time she realized just how little they knew about each other and how many differences they had. What if they wouldn't be able to get over them? What if it would be too much for him and he'd leave or she'd be the one hurting him? She didn't know which option was worse. Garrus was the best thing that had happened to her and breaking his heart would break hers as well.

Shepard looked at him and found that he was watching her, waiting for an answer. As always he was careful with her, always as patient. He gave up everything again and again to follow her, to be with her and she knew he'd do anything to make her happy. That was what loving meant to him. He had never done anything that could make her doubt his trustworthiness and all her worries now felt like spitting on his efforts.

Garrus followed her without a question on a suicide mission on a Cerberus ship, he left behind Palaven and he threw her memorial plate out the airlock, because he wouldn't acknowledge her death without seeing her body. He had witnessed her worst both physically and mentally in the hospital while she recovered. He deserved better, much more than she had given him already.

"Would you leave the military, the hierarchy, everything behind for me?" she asked. She wanted to make sure, just one more time, before risking her life in a whole new way.

"You know I would," he answered, his tone telling her he thought she was still trying to argue.

"Then maybe it's my time," she said and sighed. "I'll pack away my weapons and armor and we'll do things your way from now on. I think you mentioned someplace tropical once?"

He stood there stunned for a while, then asked: "You'd leave the Alliance completely? Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm getting too old for fighting anyway," she smirked.

He sat down next to her and pressed his forehead to hers. "I'll make sure you'll never have to regret this."

"No, this time I'll make sure you'll never have to regret staying with me," she said and kissed him.


End file.
